Emotions. They are an integral part of being human and ever-present in our daily lives. However in the last two years, they have reached extremes and intensities outside of what used to be considered normal. Many of us feel especially stressed, anxious, frightened and angry these days and often do not know how to process these very normal, very human emotions. In this brief newsletter I will share ideas to help you process your more challenging emotions in a healthy way that does not involve faking positivity.
The truth is, unless you had a psychologist for a parent, you likely were not taught how to deal with your emotions. As children, our emotions may have bewildered or overwhelmed our parents, and the subliminal message often was, intense emotions – anger, jealousy, deep sadness, and the like, are negative and should not be felt or worse, expressed.
While hiding, denying, or burying feelings we’d rather not feel can seem like the easy way out, or even the smart way out, emotions require processing to move through us and truly leave. To pretend we don’t feel them is in essence to lock them inside, which can drive choices and behaviors that do not serve us, as we seek to distract ourselves from what we’re genuinely feeling.
So what’s a human to do? Here are a few steps to empower you to experience more control and peace in your emotional terrain:
1. Recognize what you’re feeling, and be specific as possible. Instead of just saying, “I feel awful,” try to pin down what it is you’re feeling. Is it frustration? Hopelessness? Fear? Name it.
2. Change your words about it. We usually say, “I am mad,” or “I’m stressed.” The problem here is that “I am” statements carry a great deal of power. And the truth is, the emotion is not what you ARE, it’s what you are experiencing. Instead say, “I’m feeling mad,” or “I’m feeling anxious.” It may seem inconsequential, but it’s a powerful shift as you create a space between the emotion, and you as the witness of the emotion.
3. Here’s the tough part. Feel it. This is often where we head to the liquor cabinet, fridge, or our favorite online shopping website, but that prevents the emotion from being processed. Try just sitting quietly and asking, “What am I feeling at this moment?” As the seconds and minutes tick by and we sit and breathe we realize we are still there. We can experience the emotion without being carried away by it. By creating space for the emotion to exist and be recognized, it begins to loosen its grip on us.
4. Release the story surrounding the emotion. How often do we repeat to others and ourselves the circumstances that inspired the emotion? It can definitely deliver a kind of charge to tell and retell our drama, yet if we want the sadness or bad feeling to lift, we have to release the story that created it. And know that
We can process an emotion without acting on it.
As the beloved teacher Thich Nhat Hanh remarked, “Whatever strong emotion arises, if we learn to practice mindfulness of that emotion, acknowledging the emotion and not suppressing it or acting on it, then transformation occurs and we are able to find more joy, peace, and awareness.” Such a wise teacher.
May you find more joy, peace, and awareness this month and if you would like some support around dealing with emotions, please reach out to schedule a free 30 minute intro call.
If your emotions are so intense that they are interfering with your ability to sleep or to make it through your daily routines, please seek professional help. Asking for help is a sign of strength, not weakness.
